Back to the Basics: Communication Tips We Often Forget

When I was in college, the simple question, “how’s life?” became one of the popular inquiries amongst my friend group. How it was answered is anybody’s guess, but we all ambled about campus lightly tossing this vaguely existential question at one another. Home on Christmas break, I lobbed that oh-so-well crafted question at my brother, with whom I hadn’t spoken to in a while. He looked at me with the disdain that only an older brother can pull off and simply said, “Ask better questions, Jenn.”

That moment really stuck with me. Partially because his utter disgust took me by surprise, but more accurately – and annoyingly – because he was right. How is anyone supposed to genuinely answer such a broad overview question? What was I really asking anyway? 

To this day, when someone I haven’t seen in a while asks a generic “what’s new?,” or “how’ve you been?,”  I find it nearly impossible to come up with a response that is halfway interesting or sparks any sort of conversation. I end up squeaking out a generic and lifeless “not much,” or “pretty good”…and we’re done. The whole interaction is flat. Our communication stunted before it ever really began.

Moments like these have left me pondering the basics of how we communicate and what simple improvements might help us do so more successfully. If we’re able to communicate more effectively, how might that enrich our work, our relationships, and even our lives? After all, communication is everywhere. It’s at the core of all of our relationships – the ones we have with our families, our coworkers, our clients. It’s present in every interaction, from the deepest of heart-to-hearts to the passing nod of a stranger. We are communicating with the world around us all the time. And yet, we misstep often. 

I recently attended a conference that centered around communication and storytelling. The panels and speakers varied widely, but there were some key takeaways that were present in nearly every presentation. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Ask Detailed Questions

Or “better” questions if you ask my brother. Lazy questions get lazy answers. The need to ask the right questions to the right audience was a running theme throughout the conference. And when it comes to posing questions, the more specific the better. Details are often more relatable than broad strokes. I have a friend who genuinely asks really detailed questions about the mundane. “What do you eat for breakfast? Where do you grocery shop?” There is a surprising amount of nuance in the little stuff. Detailed questions foster far more interesting interactions than the aforementioned flat and overarching “what’s new?” Furthermore, asking the right questions can help get to the heart of an issue, a project, or a shared goal much more efficiently and effectively.

2. Really Listen

Many of the panels that I attended touched on finding common ground by really understanding other perspectives. We all know this on a rational level, but actually cultivating active listening skills is often easier said than done. It can be a challenging task to pause your own perspectives, biases, and judgement long enough to really hear what the other has to say. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. Active listening is also a core tenant of improv, one that I believe translates to a general life skill. In an improv scene, you can’t build on what another player offers if you’re preemptively planning a response. You have to be present, take in the information, and then react. You have to really listen.

3. Be Genuine

I wish “authenticity” hadn’t turned into such a buzzword, but alas, it has become cliche for a reason. Every speaker stressed the importance of being transparent, telling the truth, and building authentic relationships. Authenticity resonates in every interaction and transparency is fundamental to the success of any communication.

4. Choose Your Words Wisely

I have always loved the Mark Twain quote “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” Precision in language – and in all forms of communication – is important. One speaker at the conference presented a study on the perception of words and I was fascinated by the findings. Her study illustrated how people routinely perceive phrases in vastly different ways, despite their nearly identical meanings. It was very evident, and a great reminder, that words matter.  

These simple tips may not be the most revolutionary, but they served as a great reminder to myself to slow down, be more thoughtful, and consider how I’m engaging in communication of all kinds.